RETIREMENT WITH A GRIN
Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement.
I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes and the expenses.
Then it hit me.
No
nursing home for me!
Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn. With the average
cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get
old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For
a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night.
That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want,
or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities! , and
special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a
lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo
and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient. Five
dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling. There is a
city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also
pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a
change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice
restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Meanwhile,
the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing
homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And
you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from ! Inn to Inn, or
even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn
there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced?
No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid
checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and
Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no
worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and
probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.
What more can you ask for? When I discussed my plan with friends, they
came up with even more
benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee
makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy
afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your
children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or
restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns
even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have
special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your
grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not
to bring more than three friends. Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow
pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel,
but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home
because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a
little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding
your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or
desk clerk is on duty 24/7.
Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the
feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at
the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate
the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!
"So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!"
